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Dolphins!

            My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills mentor Charles Holton introduced me to a sneaky deep tool I use daily. He wrote on a white board the words ‘dolphins!’ and ‘rhinoceros.’ He drew circles around each, a line through ‘rhinoceros’, and then an arrow pointing at ‘dolphins!’ He said, “It’s easier to think about dolphins than to not think about rhinoceroses.” (He contends that it was polar bears and dolphins, and I remember it differently. Ah, human memory…)

            The idea here is that it’s easier to direct one’s brain toward something than away from something. When I get caught in a cul-de-sac of thinking and notice it feels yucky or stuck or I need a break, I use ‘dolphins’ as a trigger, especially in my journaling, to remind myself to return to something positive.

            A common phrase when I go off on uncomfortable tangents is: ‘circling back, this time with more dolphins…’ Other variants: ‘dolphinology,’ ‘so, how about those dolphins?’ ‘how can I dolphin this?’ Sometimes I’ll imagine, and describe in detail, swimming with dolphins.

            Some metaphors and symbols really work well for me, especially the more I like and use them. This is one of the ways I can consciously develop/program positive triggers, like a song that might lift my mood, or that I listen to when I do a compassion meditation (see my post on compassion for a description of the ‘tonglen’ practice I use) to help prompt the feeling. Everyone is different, so substitute whatever positive thing you find it easy and desirable to visualize or thing about for ‘dolphin’ and give it a whirl. Brain hacking!

            Sometimes it can be hard to ‘dolphin’ myself out of something pervasively negative, particularly if it’s a problem that really needs validation and action to address it, rather than being ignored. Approaching it from a more ‘where can I find the dolphins in this situation?’ can be useful, or at least provide some needed respite.

            This is one of the ways I look for to make things easier, to introduce more positivity even into the really distressing tasks and places in life. Not to take away from the seriousness of the situation or invalidate my pain, but to make it easier on myself and get through it. It’s helpful for me to have a choice when I get stuck in a moment, a feeling, a thought, that sucks, and fighting it just makes it worse.

            Here’s a live dolphin webcam! (Live feed may be down periodically, so here’s some older footage.)

Ways to Have & Savor Experience

When I am alone, I have and savor easily what is good.

This was not natural for me. In the past I noticed I needed validation from others that what I liked was liked by them as well. I would have ‘guilty pleasures,’ things that I liked in spite of the derisions of those around me. Lady Gaga’s music springs to mind. (I had the kind of friends who would dislike things solely based on their popularity, and I have my own theories as to that.)

Going alone on vacation was the most empowering feeling in the universe for me. I traveled with no masks, no limitations, nothing I couldn’t just unload and rewrite. Every moment, without discussion, without even conscious thought, I could choose what I would do, how I would respond.

I crave this.

InterPlay was the first time I was invited to ‘have’ something ‘for myself.’ After doing something alone, like a solo dance, the leader said, “Now take a moment and have that for yourself.”

Writing about this, how important a tool it was for me to learn, I’m reminded of what my therapist said about savoring. I worried after a wonderful trip to Walk Disney World that thinking about it too much I’d lose the good feelings about it. I tended to think a lot about challenges and terrible experiences to try to make sense of them, a defense tactic to detach from them as an observer. I shared with my therapist my concerns that thinking about good experiences would distance me from the good feelings of them. She validated this fear, and encouraged me to savor.

I figured out how to use classical conditioning on myself. Everyone’s had the experience of a certain smell evoking a memory, or a song coming on and reminding us of a person with whom we used to hear that song.

When I would sit down to remember experiences in Disney World, I would deliberately listen to music played in the background of the parks. I could have also used an object that reminded me of the time. I chose music because it’s proved to be a strong and reliable trigger for me. I would set aside private time, put on the music, close my eyes, and remember all the details—or perhaps look at my pictures, if I was having trouble remembering. Now all I have to do is hear one of those songs I used and the memories and their feelings come back to me.

Savor the way a child would. Savor like there is nothing in the world but you and what you’re enjoying—like a child eating chocolate ice cream where the world shrinks to the feelings and tastes in your mouth, the cold curve of the spoon, the melting sweetness, the shiver of gooseflesh on your arms as the chill of it hits you. There are worlds of details and sensations in every pleasurable moment that can stretch like taffy as you pay attention to them in order to keep those treasures alive and return to them when you need a good memory and feeling. Savor right after you’ve had the experience, while it’s fresh and you have your pick of sensations and details, and then come back later and savor more. The more you do it, the stronger the memory, the easier it will be to savor again, even amidst the noise and haste.

You know how you savor best. All these words are just here as signposts pointing the way for those who may have lost having and savoring along the way, or who want to learn new ways of doing it on purpose.

One last thing. You may have gotten stuck under the idea of having or savoring something for yourself as selfish. I did! Here are some thoughts to challenge that sticky, heavy idea:

• Until you have something, you cannot share it with others.
• Apply your own oxygen mask before assisting with others.
• The more you have, the more you have to share.