Dolphins!

            My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills mentor Charles Holton introduced me to a sneaky deep tool I use daily. He wrote on a white board the words ‘dolphins!’ and ‘rhinoceros.’ He drew circles around each, a line through ‘rhinoceros’, and then an arrow pointing at ‘dolphins!’ He said, “It’s easier to think about dolphins than to not think about rhinoceroses.” (He contends that it was polar bears and dolphins, and I remember it differently. Ah, human memory…)

            The idea here is that it’s easier to direct one’s brain toward something than away from something. When I get caught in a cul-de-sac of thinking and notice it feels yucky or stuck or I need a break, I use ‘dolphins’ as a trigger, especially in my journaling, to remind myself to return to something positive.

            A common phrase when I go off on uncomfortable tangents is: ‘circling back, this time with more dolphins…’ Other variants: ‘dolphinology,’ ‘so, how about those dolphins?’ ‘how can I dolphin this?’ Sometimes I’ll imagine, and describe in detail, swimming with dolphins.

            Some metaphors and symbols really work well for me, especially the more I like and use them. This is one of the ways I can consciously develop/program positive triggers, like a song that might lift my mood, or that I listen to when I do a compassion meditation (see my post on compassion for a description of the ‘tonglen’ practice I use) to help prompt the feeling. Everyone is different, so substitute whatever positive thing you find it easy and desirable to visualize or thing about for ‘dolphin’ and give it a whirl. Brain hacking!

            Sometimes it can be hard to ‘dolphin’ myself out of something pervasively negative, particularly if it’s a problem that really needs validation and action to address it, rather than being ignored. Approaching it from a more ‘where can I find the dolphins in this situation?’ can be useful, or at least provide some needed respite.

            This is one of the ways I look for to make things easier, to introduce more positivity even into the really distressing tasks and places in life. Not to take away from the seriousness of the situation or invalidate my pain, but to make it easier on myself and get through it. It’s helpful for me to have a choice when I get stuck in a moment, a feeling, a thought, that sucks, and fighting it just makes it worse.

            Here’s a live dolphin webcam! (Live feed may be down periodically, so here’s some older footage.)

Self-Soothing

What is Self-Soothing?

Self-soothing has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses:

• Vision—walking in a garden, visiting an art gallery, watching a visualizer or candle flame, looking at pictures
• Hearing—music, nature sounds, ambient noise
• Smell—fresh-baked bread, aromatherapy, scented candles or lotions, flowers
• Taste—savoring tea, juice, small tastes of favorite foods
• Touch—warm baths, favorite textiles or clothes, petting an animal, feeling a breeze

The movie ‘Amélie’ shows a really excellent selection of examples the characters use to self soothe, from dipping hands into sacks of grain…

…to popping bubble wrap.

We have expressions like ‘stop and smell the roses.’ Smells are powerful memory triggers; the smell of gardenias reminds me of an adolescent safe haven. Many of us have favorite music we listen to either to validate an uncomfortable emotion, or shift out of it. Some jiggle a foot while talking, pace, click a pen, play with hair or objects at hand, peel off labels, or carry around knitting. Plenty of us scribble or doodle while on the phone, and countless numbers enjoy repetitive puzzle games. We sing in the shower or the car. We dance to music.

Repetitive and sensory stimuli can not only reduce anxiety, they can also induce a light trance state. We do things that feel good, often without thinking, and often to shift our focus from stress to something more pleasurable. We can consciously develop these skills for feeling better, and coping both with daily stresses and extreme distress.

Self-Harm

Sometimes we might focus on things that harm us, such as stress eating, picking at one’s skin or scabs, pulling out hair, starving, cutting, burning, self-flagellation, inducing vomiting. These produce powerful physical sensations, flood the body with endorphins and adrenaline, can provide distraction from extreme distress or pain, ground oneself or trigger dissociation and numbing. Many people can’t fathom self-harm as a form of self-soothing, but it has an effect, and meets needs in those who engage in it. Unfortunately the consequences can be severe, and troubling both to the person and those around them.

“We should not take away what helps, even if it also causes harm, without understanding the help it provides.” —‘Over the Influence’ by Patt Denning, Jeannie Little, and Adina Glickman

“…shame is not a cure, and you can’t solve your problems by telling yourself off. If you focus on figuring out what’s wrong, what your needs are, and how you might be able to meet them, it will probably make things easier.” —‘Stimming Without Hurting Yourself’

The above article explores finding replacement activities that don’t cause harm. These will be different for everyone. We have different needs and different stimuli produce different results for each of us. Chances are there are things you do, some harmful and some not, some conscious and some not, that soothe you.

Harm reduction is a big subject and offers a lot of ideas that have helped me enormously. I’ll cover it in more depth in a later post. Meanwhile here are two keys to help shift from harmful or undesirable behaviors to more positive and supportive ones:

1. Be mindful—understand what needs are being served by harmful behaviors, notice when you feel a need or urge, notice what you’re doing and feeling, notice which substitute activities help and which don’t.
2. Practice, practice, practice making the substitutions. Notice how you feel and what happens. It can be easy to be discouraged since changing habits takes time. Be gentle with times you may be less successful than you’d like; trying is the most important ingredient to change.

What is ‘Stimming,’ and Why is it Important? 

Many people with autism self-soothe and regulate themselves by engaging in ‘stimming,’ doing repetitive things that provide sensory input. For example:

• Rocking
• Waving or flapping your hands
• Rolling a marble
• Playing with a tangle toy
• Repeating words over and over
• Ripping paper

Stimming can be really important for autistic people for several reasons. Stimming can make it possible (or easier) to think and understand what’s going on, prevent overload or help to pull someone out of overload, and express through body language. For people who automatically stim, refraining from doing so can be a drain on cognitive resources and make it difficult or impossible to do anything else. 

“If you prevent an autistic person from making repetitive motions, you’re probably also preventing them from doing things like understanding what’s going on, communicating, and learning self-control and interaction. Do not value a typical affect over learning and communication.” —‘Autism Awareness for Aides’

What About Drawing Unwanted Attention?

Body language is important. People respond to our body language. Just as in poker, having ‘tells’ can telegraph whether you’re bluffing or not to an experienced eye, self-soothing can (even if subconsciously) send a message. Sometimes it can subtly alert toxic people who are drawn to vulnerability.

“…while there are many different types of people who stand to make you miserable, they are usually all repelled or dissuaded by the very same thing — strong, unemotional, assertive energy – the calm and unshakable confidence of firm, low-key boundaries and quiet no-nonsense attitudes.”

—‘How to Use Body Language to Repel Toxic People’

The above article recommends staying still without appearing rigid, and keeping your hands calm and unoccupied, alongside you in a relaxed and open posture. However, especially for autistic people but for anyone denying themselves use of positive coping skills, this can compromise us internally and have a much higher cost both short-term and long-term. It can lead to increased anxiety that shows in more subtle ways, the more rigidly we try to control it, and be exhausting besides.

Your priority is to take care of you in the most effective ways for you. There are techniques other than body language to repel toxic people, and you are not required to behave a certain way in order to compensate for the predatory instincts of others. You can utilize more subtle ways to self-soothe that are effective for you if the other person feels uncomfortable or pushy. The more ways you find to soothe yourself, the more options you have.

There are also other ways of shifting your body language. Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk ‘Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are’ demonstrates the power of body language on each other, as well as on ourselves, and how we can fake it ’til we feel it.

If you find you’re often targeted by unwelcome attention and have trouble defending yourself, I recommend researching and looking into assertiveness training if you can. Self-defense classes can also boost confidence and improve body language—even if you’re not often physically endangered, it can improve confidence knowing you have the skills to defend your body should it come to that, and that confidence shows. If you have physical limitations, self-defense instructors are good at coming up with ways to defend yourself within your personal capacities and using your strengths. In the future I will write more in-depth articles about assertiveness in communication, and about boundaries and saying and maintaining no.

Finding a comfortable balance for yourself is key. No matter how subtle your self-soothing, if you are doing something unusual, questions may come. Remember that you owe no explanations for taking care of yourself. You can plan in advance whether you would like to explain, what explanations you’d feel comfortable offering, and deflecting unwanted questions. I’ll explore this more in-depth in future articles on assertiveness and boundaries.

“People will ask questions. Sometimes, it’ll be friendly, sometimes it won’t. Sometimes, you’ll not be able to deal with it all right then, and will be embarrassed afterwards that you gave in and used an easy way out and didn’t give all the information. (Like when I used my migraines as the reason I carry things which I would carry just for my migraines, but use to cope with other disorders).”

“I am much more comfortable in my own skin now. But that comfort means that, now, I expect to be treated well and I get angry when I am not. I’m much less willing to back down when people treat me badly or refuse to meet my access needs. This can be good, but it can get really bad really fast.” —comments on ‘A Shorter Version of the Last Post’

“Trying to become someone who won’t be stigmatized is likely to end poorly.” —‘On Being a Lonely Autistic Person’

“Acceptance creates abilities. Understanding and working with your real configuration rather than against it can greatly expand what you can actually do. Even though there are abilities you will never have. There’s a lot you can do, if you understand and accept yourself as you are.” —‘Shame is Not a Cure’

Examples and Resources

Your most important resource is your own awareness. Notice what works for you and what doesn’t. Notice when things work, when they don’t, and when you seem to need them.

For ideas of new things to try I love seeing the creative ways others explore self-soothing. In that vein I’ll provide some links to get you started, pictures, and what I use.

A ‘Sensory Kit’ featured on Sensory Squids

NeoBalls

• Sensory Squids 
• f***yeahstimming This Tumblr, while focused on sharing examples and ideas of stimming, can also provide a wealth of ideas for self-soothing sent in by readers
• NeoBalls neodymium magnets can substitute for skin picking/trichotillomania and meet a lot of the same sensory needs
• Rocking can be helpful (and it’s often not actually as conspicuous as it feels, especially in a rocking chair)
• Teething Bling necklaces look like ordinary jewelry
• Spikeletz Bracelets
• Therapy brushes
• Wooden balls
• Stress balls
• Fidgets made from keyrings and bicycle chains
• Office Playground features several other fidget toys
• Dollar stores and cheap kid toys racks can be a good source for cheap fidget toys
• Squishables — big round stuffed animals
• Knitting



Spikeletz Bracelet

• Listening to music—if you want to have music without compromising your awareness of your environment and potential dangers such as cars or people coming up behind you, there are headphones that let in ambient noise

Fidgets made from keyrings and bicycle chains

If you feel overloaded, here are a few suggestions for grounding without causing harm:

• Holding on to a solid object or an ice cube
• Snapping a rubber band on your wrist
• Hold onto another person or to hold their hand, if you have someone who is okay with that
• Get under a heavy blanket
• Wear a weighted vest
• Clasp your hands together
• Firmly rub your arm

My ‘ER Kit’

My goal feeling is a light trance. I carry around a wide variety of things I can use to self-soothe in different contexts:

• Velvet is my most discreet and omnipresent tool, since it’s all I wear; I can self-soothe just by resting my hand on my leg. Thrift stores such as Goodwill offer a lot of affordable, lightly-worn velvet year-round, including warmer-weather pieces like camisoles and skirts. I turn velvet pants worn at the knees into shorts.
• Singing provides both auditory and physical stimulation as well as emotional expression.
• Hula hoop—reduces anxiety, improves health and flexibility, fun, and great low-impact exercise for managing my fibromyalgia. I always have several in the car and plan to arrive early to most places and take a few moments to hoop when it’s warm enough.
• Book of stories—favorite quotes, zen koans and short tales, copied into a journal and illustrated with beautiful stickers.
• Vials of my favorite floral and spice scents.
• Lotions—my favorite is Earth Therapeutics’ Dream Silk Liquid Pajamas with valerian and lavender; combining olfactory and tactile stimulation.
• Pearl water wiggly—both tactile and visual.
• Postcards and small objects.

One of the most flexible and socially acceptable tools is my iPhone. My self-soothing apps:

• Makanim—a customizable interactive visualizer with several preset, tweakable modes. Colors, shapes, patterns, and chaos factors can all be adjusted. You can let it run, or use your fingers. It’s very hypnotic.
• Tumblr—I’ve set up one to only show pictures I find soothing, such as travel blogs and art blogs.
• Kindle, Office2 Plus—writing and reading are two of my favorite coping mechanisms.
• Bejeweled—the ‘Zen’ mode provides endless puzzle game action

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Responses 

This article talks about ‘Amélie’s’ sensory pleasures in the context of Autonomous Sensory Meridian Responses. ASMR refers to a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in response to sensory stimuli.  It’s also been referred to as attention induced euphoria, and attention induced observant euphoria.

Sources and further reading:

• ‘Self Soothe (DBT Self Help)’
• ‘Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide for Managing Drugs and Alcohol’ by Patt Denning, Jeannie Little, and Adina Glickman
• ‘Stimming Without Hurting Yourself’
• ‘What is Stimming?’
• ‘Autism Awareness for Aides’
• ‘How to Use Body Language to Repel Toxic People’
• ‘Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are’ TED Talk by Amy Cuddy
• ‘A Shorter Version of the Last Post’
• ‘On Being a Lonely Autistic Person’
• ‘Shame is Not a Cure’
• ‘Amélie an Early ASMR Showcase’
• Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (Wikipedia)