What is mindfulness? What does it feel like? How do you do it? And why?
I’d heard
about mindfulness, but had not had the experience. I didn’t know what it felt
like. Reality was so painful I consistently dissociated from my body and the
present. Having nothing to compare it to I wasn’t even aware of this. It was as
though my life and myself were a dilapidated, scary, dangerous house, and every
time I got close to going into that house, it felt so awful I couldn’t bear it.
Mindfulness meditation was the antithesis of peace for me. Trying it was
exposing myself to a reality I was doing everything I could to escape.
I was not consciously
aware of this. I felt I was searching for something that felt good, that would
last, that I would keep coming back to, whose magic would not fade or run out.
I wanted to feel better.
Hula
hooping made me feel better. Not only that, but it gave me the experience of
mindfulness independent of a need for faith or belief—secular, flexible, warm,
inviting, and not requiring anything of me but to show up and pick up the hoop.
It made mindfulness fun. It made being present and aware enjoyable.
It turned
out the trick to inviting myself back into a burglarized, vandalized,
falling-down house meant making a place that was inviting, irresistible,
enjoyable. Inviting myself back into my body meant creating a space where it
felt good to be in my body, rather than being hit with total retraumatizing
awareness. Inviting myself back into the present meant making a moment where it
felt good to be.
I imagine
you can relate to being in a situation, or a time in your life, where awareness
of what’s really going on is painful and it doesn’t seem like there’s any way
to change it. As a protective measure we may become mindless, use various
defense mechanisms to escape, deny, or numb to reality. Denial. Obsessing over
the past or the future. Compulsive or addictive behaviors or relationships.
Constantly seeking stimulation.
Without
awareness it can be difficult to address painful situations effectively,
through radical acceptance or change or both. Mindfulness is a powerful tool,
but what if you have a life or situation where being aware and present is
intolerable?
Mindfulness
doesn’t have to be a chore. In fact, if I wanted to positively reinforce the
practice and build the skills to the point where I could begin to practice them
even when it was difficult and painful, it had to be fun.
I hooped
and kept hooping because I enjoyed it. The more present and aware I became, the
more I found I could do. Having a ‘flow’ practice one enjoys like this, whether
it be anything from artistic expression to washing dishes, makes mindfulness
rewarding to practice. The more you practice, the better you will get at it.
Whatever you feed will grow.
When I
started learning the mindfulness-based skills of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
was when I realized how much I already knew. A lot of skills used in DBT are
ones I first learned in the hoop. Gently returning my attention to my focus was
necessary to keep trying after the frustration of dropping the hoop. Focusing
on my goal of feeling better kept me persevering even when sometimes I wasn’t quite
there. Being one-mindful kept me from distractions that tripped me up. In
hooping I could accumulate positives, build mastery, and radically accept
reality.
Learning these
things didn’t have to be arduous. There were so many tangible rewards to
practicing these skills in doing something I loved that I didn’t have to
convince myself to use the skills. That for me has been the real trick to
learning—positively reinforcing through rewards and enjoyment along the way,
rather than hoping that in the end the payoff will be enough. Rewards are a
mindfulness skill, too. Making the learning itself fun encourages me to keep doing it.
Do what you
love, and your mind will follow.
