Dolphins!

            My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills mentor Charles Holton introduced me to a sneaky deep tool I use daily. He wrote on a white board the words ‘dolphins!’ and ‘rhinoceros.’ He drew circles around each, a line through ‘rhinoceros’, and then an arrow pointing at ‘dolphins!’ He said, “It’s easier to think about dolphins than to not think about rhinoceroses.” (He contends that it was polar bears and dolphins, and I remember it differently. Ah, human memory…)

            The idea here is that it’s easier to direct one’s brain toward something than away from something. When I get caught in a cul-de-sac of thinking and notice it feels yucky or stuck or I need a break, I use ‘dolphins’ as a trigger, especially in my journaling, to remind myself to return to something positive.

            A common phrase when I go off on uncomfortable tangents is: ‘circling back, this time with more dolphins…’ Other variants: ‘dolphinology,’ ‘so, how about those dolphins?’ ‘how can I dolphin this?’ Sometimes I’ll imagine, and describe in detail, swimming with dolphins.

            Some metaphors and symbols really work well for me, especially the more I like and use them. This is one of the ways I can consciously develop/program positive triggers, like a song that might lift my mood, or that I listen to when I do a compassion meditation (see my post on compassion for a description of the ‘tonglen’ practice I use) to help prompt the feeling. Everyone is different, so substitute whatever positive thing you find it easy and desirable to visualize or thing about for ‘dolphin’ and give it a whirl. Brain hacking!

            Sometimes it can be hard to ‘dolphin’ myself out of something pervasively negative, particularly if it’s a problem that really needs validation and action to address it, rather than being ignored. Approaching it from a more ‘where can I find the dolphins in this situation?’ can be useful, or at least provide some needed respite.

            This is one of the ways I look for to make things easier, to introduce more positivity even into the really distressing tasks and places in life. Not to take away from the seriousness of the situation or invalidate my pain, but to make it easier on myself and get through it. It’s helpful for me to have a choice when I get stuck in a moment, a feeling, a thought, that sucks, and fighting it just makes it worse.

            Here’s a live dolphin webcam! (Live feed may be down periodically, so here’s some older footage.)

How to Give

            “Generosity is not giving what’s easy; generosity is giving what’s hard.” —Diana Wynne Jones’s grandmother, as quoted in ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing’

            Giving, generosity, sharing one’s fortunes with those less fortunate are noble intentions. Yet often, without mindfulness of a few key elements, giving can hurt others. Giving can become about the unconscious (or sometimes conscious) agenda of the giver, rather than the needs of the recipient. This is especially common when giving advice, suggestions, and feedback. It is crucial to have care and be mindful of the points below in those situations.

            Here are five key things to keep in mind, to reduce potential harm and promote healthier giving.

1. Self-care

            Know yourself.

            Know your limits—don’t give what you haven’t got to spare, be it time, money, energy, attention, or anything else. Don’t say ‘yes’ when you need to say ‘no.’ This is a fast track to burnout and resentment. Take care of yourself first or you will not be helpful to others. As they say on airplanes: Put on your oxygen mask before helping others.

            Know your motivations. Don’t nail yourself to a cross. When you give, give mindfully and without expectation—two elements explored in depth below.

2. Humility

            Give humbly. If you think you know what’s best for someone else, better than themselves, HALT. Stop immediately. You are not the judge of what is right for anyone except yourself. Stop placing your expectations and judgments on others. You are hurting people if you carry this assumption, and you are hurting yourself and your chances for mutuality in friendships and relationships.

            No two people are alike in resources, limitations, goals, challenges, needs, feelings, beliefs, and so forth.

            “You’re not interacting with clones of yourself. The only person who truly thinks and acts like you is you. You don’t really need the person if all you’re going to do is project onto them who you think they should be. You have to take the time to get to know people as they are and see them for who they are, not as extensions of you. If you don’t, you’ll become complacent and you’ll make dangerous assumptions.” —Natalie, ‘If it were me, I’d…’ Baggage Reclaim

3. No expectations

            There are a lot of expectations that get attached to giving, especially in friendships. Don’t loan shark—don’t give ‘freely’ and then later expect a return on the favor, or a free pass on some behavior that the other person doesn’t like. Don’t treat friendship like an accounting ledger that you are in charge of maintaining. It’s important to have balance and mutuality in friendships, but equally important not to have unvoiced expectations, or give out of a sense of obligation or a desire to incur one from someone else.

            Especially don’t offer advice or feedback or suggestions with the expectation of unconditional acceptance of what you have given, a lack of argument, doing what you’ve suggested, or even courtesy, especially if this feedback was not asked for—but even if it was. Whatever you’ve given feedback on—life, work, relationships, challenges—it’s theirs. They have to live and deal with the results of anything they choose to do with it—not you. (In the case of their behavior that affects you and how they treat you, please see the ‘Special circumstances’ section below.)

            You need to give not in order to gain acceptance, social standing, or an image of being generous and kind. You need to give not in order to prop up your self-esteem or ego, or because you want to ‘fix’ people or situations to be the way you think they should be. If you have hurt someone or made a mistake, do not give for the sole purpose of getting off the hook with them. No matter how generous you think you are being, you are giving in order to get something from them, and this is not an honest or up-front way to assert what you want, nor earn it.

            “A great way to keep you out of trouble is to ensure that you don’t give or help with an agenda. Whatever you do, do so because it reflects who you are, not because you’re trying to generate an IOU.            Ask the question: If the outcome/reward that I’m predicting didn’t materialise, would I still want to be or do whatever I’m intending?            If the answer is no or a whole load of shoulds pop up such as, ‘Well if it were me, I would show my appreciation by….’ or ‘Well, surely they couldn’t expect that I would do that without me expecting….’ or assumptions like, ‘They obviously realise that in me doing this, this means that we’re back together / they understood my position…”, halt. If you’re motivated to do what you’re intending because you hope that by doing this and being ‘pleasing’ that you will be able to control that person’s feelings and behaviour, freeze. Back up. In fact, reverse, sit yourself down and plant your mind and feet firmly in reality.” —Natalie, ‘How to know when to say no,’ Baggage Reclaim

            “If you wouldn’t give the help if you didn’t think that you would get the perceived / expected reward for it, don’t do it. Don’t.” —Natalie, ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ Baggage Reclaim

            Basically: give without expectation of receiving anything, even positive regard or attention. If you need these things, there are other ways to meet those needs on your own.

            Only give when you can give without expectations, when you know that the recipient could chuck your gift in the trash and you would not feel personally harmed. This is for your peace of mind as well as theirs, so that no matter what happens after you give, you won’t experience painful disappointment or personal rejection.

            Which leads to the next, extremely important element:

4. Consent: Asking & allowing ‘no’

            This is a vital thing to develop and practice throughout your life. Make peace with hearing it—and do this in your mind before you even involve someone else.

            Imagine giving something you want to give to someone, and imagine them saying no. Do you feel upset? Do you feel slighted? Do you feel they are being ungrateful, or in some way harming or depriving you by telling you no?

            ‘No’ is a valid response. If you get upset when someone tells you ‘no,’ then it isn’t really about their needs, it’s about your wants.

            Create space as early as possible in the giving process for the recipient to say ‘no.’ When you give anything—advice, feedback, a compliment, a gift, words of comfort, a story from your life—be kind and ask first. Whether or not you remember to ask, accept it if they say ‘no.’ Allow them to say ‘no’ however they need to say it. And allow them to say ‘no’ at any point in the process, even after they have said yes.

            It’s okay if you feel hurt when someone says ‘no’ to you. It is not okay to retaliate, to push or pressure them to change their ‘no,’ or tell them they have hurt you by telling you ‘no.’

            “They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).
            Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)
            Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).
            Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)
            If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong.
            No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal.” —Real Social Skills, ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical’

            Differentiate between someone saying ‘no’ to something you are offering and saying ‘no’ to you. Do not take ‘no’ to what you are trying to give personally.

            If you are hurt by hearing ‘no,’ deal with that on your own. I suggest having a conversation with yourself about why it hurt, and being prepared to examine your own motivations, and why you were so attached to (or expecting) ‘yes.’

            Making peace with ‘no’ is challenging, but it can make life so much easier. It makes it easier to tolerate failure and rejection, which makes it easier to go after what you want, and easier to learn from and amend mistakes. It makes it easier to say ‘yes’ to you, and ‘yes’ to what you want, and trust that those around you are really saying ‘yes’ to the real you, as well.

5. Giving wisely

            “Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get.” —Albert, from ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            Give what the other person has expressed a need or desire for and not just what you want to give or think they need. Give where it has been asked, or where you have asked.

            If you have no need of some thing anymore, many charities take in-kind donations. If you want to give it to a friend, ask first if they would like it, and accept ‘no’ as a valid response.

            When you see someone in need and want to help, ask what they need, don’t assume. This does not obligate you to give them what they ask for, but further discussion may turn up something they need that you can give them.

            Be humble and be curious, and most of all be respectful. Some people do not want help, and that is valid. No one is obligated to accept help from you or trust that your motivations are good, no matter how much work you have done to examine them for yourself.

            If you think a person is so bad off that they would/should accept any help they can get, stop. It is one thing to pity the misfortunes of another; it is another to believe you are or have the answer to their problems. It’s unlikely you know what they need or want unless you ask, or unless there is some inherent asking already there. If someone is waiting in like at a soup kitchen, and you’re passing out food, that’s a no-brainer. Also if you are writing and advice column or blog (or book), others are free to take or leave whatever they want from what you’ve given.

            If an artist shows you his work, that does not imply them asking you for anything. Don’t assume, ask what he wants. If he wants feedback, I also recommend asking what kind. Be prepared for him to tell you no after you give it, or even be angry. Having an opinion does not make you special, or right.

            If a friend tells you of a problem they are having, that does not imply they are expecting you to tell them what to do or do something to fix it without checking with them first, especially if it involves going to a third party and sharing what this friend has told you without their knowledge or consent. Ask what your friend wants—someone to just listen, validation, feedback, assistance. Be prepared for your friend to tell you ‘no’ at any point, and do not push. Your friend knows a great deal more about what’s bothering them and what they need than you do, no matter how well you know them.

            GIVE:

            Be Gentle.

            Be Interested.

            Validate the other person’s feelings.

            Use an Easy manner.

Special circumstances: feedback to protect yourself

            Unsolicited advice and feedback is criticism. You are telling someone what to do, standing in judgment over this person and their behavior.

            This is sometimes necessary for your self-protection and self-respect, in order to set and enforce boundaries—both in any kind of relationships and with invasive strangers or dangerous people. Your judgment, and your voice, are important in defending yourself and taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of someone else’s feelings when you are setting and enforcing boundaries.

            This is different than the sort of giving and feedback discussed above. When you do this it is about your needs, and needs to be so. There are times when it is necessary to give someone feedback they do not want or ask for, to take care of yourself and let others know your feelings and your needs.

            Also, don’t be shy about ‘giving’ your ‘no.’ Don’t say ‘yes’ to please others, or because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, or because they are rejecting your ‘no.’ Say ‘no’ when you want to say ‘no,’ and keep on saying it as many times as you need.

Sources and further reading:

            • ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing,’ by Diana Wynne Jones

            • ‘If it were me, I’d…’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • For a more detailed elaboration of ‘loan sharking’: ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker

            • ‘How to know when to say no,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical,’ Real Social Skills

            • ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            • Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Interpersonal Effectiveness Module: DEAR MAN GIVE FAST from DBT Self-Help

            • ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,’ by Manuel J. Smith

Hula Hooping and Mindfulness

What is mindfulness? What does it feel like? How do you do it? And why?

I’d heard about mindfulness, but had not had the experience. I didn’t know what it felt like. Reality was so painful I consistently dissociated from my body and the present. Having nothing to compare it to I wasn’t even aware of this. It was as though my life and myself were a dilapidated, scary, dangerous house, and every time I got close to going into that house, it felt so awful I couldn’t bear it. Mindfulness meditation was the antithesis of peace for me. Trying it was exposing myself to a reality I was doing everything I could to escape.

I was not consciously aware of this. I felt I was searching for something that felt good, that would last, that I would keep coming back to, whose magic would not fade or run out. I wanted to feel better.

Hula hooping made me feel better. Not only that, but it gave me the experience of mindfulness independent of a need for faith or belief—secular, flexible, warm, inviting, and not requiring anything of me but to show up and pick up the hoop. It made mindfulness fun. It made being present and aware enjoyable.

It turned out the trick to inviting myself back into a burglarized, vandalized, falling-down house meant making a place that was inviting, irresistible, enjoyable. Inviting myself back into my body meant creating a space where it felt good to be in my body, rather than being hit with total retraumatizing awareness. Inviting myself back into the present meant making a moment where it felt good to be.

I imagine you can relate to being in a situation, or a time in your life, where awareness of what’s really going on is painful and it doesn’t seem like there’s any way to change it. As a protective measure we may become mindless, use various defense mechanisms to escape, deny, or numb to reality. Denial. Obsessing over the past or the future. Compulsive or addictive behaviors or relationships. Constantly seeking stimulation.

Without awareness it can be difficult to address painful situations effectively, through radical acceptance or change or both. Mindfulness is a powerful tool, but what if you have a life or situation where being aware and present is intolerable?

Mindfulness doesn’t have to be a chore. In fact, if I wanted to positively reinforce the practice and build the skills to the point where I could begin to practice them even when it was difficult and painful, it had to be fun.

I hooped and kept hooping because I enjoyed it. The more present and aware I became, the more I found I could do. Having a ‘flow’ practice one enjoys like this, whether it be anything from artistic expression to washing dishes, makes mindfulness rewarding to practice. The more you practice, the better you will get at it. Whatever you feed will grow.

When I started learning the mindfulness-based skills of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was when I realized how much I already knew. A lot of skills used in DBT are ones I first learned in the hoop. Gently returning my attention to my focus was necessary to keep trying after the frustration of dropping the hoop. Focusing on my goal of feeling better kept me persevering even when sometimes I wasn’t quite there. Being one-mindful kept me from distractions that tripped me up. In hooping I could accumulate positives, build mastery, and radically accept reality.

Learning these things didn’t have to be arduous. There were so many tangible rewards to practicing these skills in doing something I loved that I didn’t have to convince myself to use the skills. That for me has been the real trick to learning—positively reinforcing through rewards and enjoyment along the way, rather than hoping that in the end the payoff will be enough. Rewards are a mindfulness skill, too. Making the learning itself fun encourages me to keep doing it.

Do what you love, and your mind will follow.

Compassion

Self-Compassion as Shame Resilience

“Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.” — Brené Brown, ‘Daring Greatly’

Shame is painful and visceral. We go to great lengths to avoid and defend against experiences of shame. Often we put on masks and avoid being honest and authentic out of shame. This can set up an endless cycle of not feeling good enough, and judging others.

In ‘Daring Greatly’ Brené Brown talks about cultivating experiences of empathy with others as a balm to answer shame. However, that requires the participation of someone who can engage empathetically, and with people run rampant with unaddressed shame of their own, it’s a rare thing to find. Also, while empathy requires two participants, shame does not:

“Shame started as a two-person experience, but as I got older I learned how to do shame all by myself.” —Robert Hilliker

Compassion is something we can practice on our own—and I’ll describe how I do it in the next two sections. The great thing is that building compassion with ourselves and with others are linked. The more compassion I feel for me, the more I can feel for others. Like mindfulness, it’s not a state that once achieved is just there, always, absolute. Compassion is a skill, and there are many ways to practice it.

“In her new book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, [Dr. Kristen Neff] defines each of these elements:

• Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
• Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.
• Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “overidentify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.”

 —Brené Brown’s summation from ‘Daring Greatly’

Using ‘Tonglen’ for Compassion Practice

“In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.” —Pema Chödrön

The exercise of tonglen was described to me this way:

• Settle first with breathing mindfulness
• Identify stuck thoughts or emotions
• Breathe in the emotions or thoughts gently
• Be with it as fierce protector
• Allow it to be present
• Watch the urge to push it away
• Remember that all emotions are transient and will pass
• Hold open the possibility of change
• Breathe out compassion or other opposite emotion, for:
• Yourself
• A benefactor
• A loved one
• An acquaintance
• A stranger
• An estranged one
• Settle back to basic mindfulness of breathing before finishing your practice

Breathing in the stuck emotion, validating and welcoming it fully into your consciousness, is not something we tend to do. We push away, we numb, we reject. As I mentioned in my post on validation, this can make those feelings more intense. Breathing in what hurts and what’s stuck is somewhat counterintuitive and can be quite difficult, and can be done to degrees. The important part is breathing in what you don’t want, and breathing out what you do.

“Tonglen practice is a radical departure from our usual way of going about things. It may seem threatening, and even crazy; but it strikes at a very core point—how we barricade ourselves from pain and lose our connection with one another. The irony is that the barricades we create do not help all that much; they just make things worse. We end up more fearful, less willing to extend ourselves, and stunted in our ability to express any true kindness. Tonglen pokes holes in those barricades that we create.” —Judy Lief, ‘Making Friends with Death’

What does compassion feel like? How can we practice something if we rarely experience it?

Shame was so prevalent in my life I thought I had no understanding or experience of compassion. But I did—my dog. We shared an unconditional bond. Sometimes I might be upset with her behaviors, if she peed on the floor, but I still loved her very much.

When I started practicing tonglen, that was my out-breath visual—sitting with and petting my dog, looking into her eyes. I could easily call that image to mind. It felt good to think about, which positively reinforced and strengthened that feeling. I was practicing compassion and learning what it felt like.

Even if you are not a dog person, chances are you have an experience of compassion, somewhere in your life, even if only a brief memory you can call upon. The more you call it up, and the more pleasurable it is, the easier to draw on it becomes.

Someone We Care About

 “To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections. To be kinder and gentler with ourselves and each other. To talk to ourselves the same way we’d talk to someone we care about.” —Brené Brown, ‘Daring Greatly’

In my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills class I received a non-judgment worksheet, to help challenge judgmental thinking. The last question is, “If this happened to a friend, what would you say to him/her?”

We’re good at imagining other people who are important to us, pre-visualizing conversations to others, imagining what we might say to them and what they might say to us. I take the practice one step further. I imagine what others would say to me.

In Barbara Sher’s book ‘I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What it Was,’ she describes an exercise for self-cheerleading that involves imagining all your heroes and idols around you, encouraging you. Perhaps famous people or mentors or family members whose words and deeds have inspired you. The goal of the exercise, and one of the goals of this book, was to self-encourage to dare greatly, to be vulnerable and take risks.

Having cultivated this imaginary cheerleading team for myself, it was easy to expand that practice to the comforting words I wanted to hear when I felt shame, when I felt pressured to do or be something.

By imagining in tonglen that I am being held by someone who encourages and accepts me unconditionally, imaginary though they be, I am practicing self-compassion. I have gone from only being able to imagine compassion for others to being able to imagine both giving and receiving at the same time.

I’ve also developed positive triggers by diligently practicing tonglen, even for a few moments, whenever I hear a certain audio cue with which I’ve saturated my playlists, CDs, and life. I have gotten into the habit of practicing tonglen when I am journaling through tough emotions and thoughts, as often as it occurs to me, usually at the end of a really rough thought or writing. I highly recommend the process of associating certain cues with positive practices of which you wish to make a habit. Pavlov yourself.

The more I practice, the easier it gets. I still experience shame often, but I am building resilience through compassion.

Sources and further reading:

• ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brené Brown
• ‘Self-Compassion’ by Kristen Neff
• ‘Tonglen’ by Pema Chodron
• ‘Making Friends with Death’ by Judy Lief
• ‘I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What it Was’ by Barbara Sher with Barbara Smith
• Non-judgmentally (DBT Self Help)
• ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ TED Talk by Brené Brown