How to Give

            “Generosity is not giving what’s easy; generosity is giving what’s hard.” —Diana Wynne Jones’s grandmother, as quoted in ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing’

            Giving, generosity, sharing one’s fortunes with those less fortunate are noble intentions. Yet often, without mindfulness of a few key elements, giving can hurt others. Giving can become about the unconscious (or sometimes conscious) agenda of the giver, rather than the needs of the recipient. This is especially common when giving advice, suggestions, and feedback. It is crucial to have care and be mindful of the points below in those situations.

            Here are five key things to keep in mind, to reduce potential harm and promote healthier giving.

1. Self-care

            Know yourself.

            Know your limits—don’t give what you haven’t got to spare, be it time, money, energy, attention, or anything else. Don’t say ‘yes’ when you need to say ‘no.’ This is a fast track to burnout and resentment. Take care of yourself first or you will not be helpful to others. As they say on airplanes: Put on your oxygen mask before helping others.

            Know your motivations. Don’t nail yourself to a cross. When you give, give mindfully and without expectation—two elements explored in depth below.

2. Humility

            Give humbly. If you think you know what’s best for someone else, better than themselves, HALT. Stop immediately. You are not the judge of what is right for anyone except yourself. Stop placing your expectations and judgments on others. You are hurting people if you carry this assumption, and you are hurting yourself and your chances for mutuality in friendships and relationships.

            No two people are alike in resources, limitations, goals, challenges, needs, feelings, beliefs, and so forth.

            “You’re not interacting with clones of yourself. The only person who truly thinks and acts like you is you. You don’t really need the person if all you’re going to do is project onto them who you think they should be. You have to take the time to get to know people as they are and see them for who they are, not as extensions of you. If you don’t, you’ll become complacent and you’ll make dangerous assumptions.” —Natalie, ‘If it were me, I’d…’ Baggage Reclaim

3. No expectations

            There are a lot of expectations that get attached to giving, especially in friendships. Don’t loan shark—don’t give ‘freely’ and then later expect a return on the favor, or a free pass on some behavior that the other person doesn’t like. Don’t treat friendship like an accounting ledger that you are in charge of maintaining. It’s important to have balance and mutuality in friendships, but equally important not to have unvoiced expectations, or give out of a sense of obligation or a desire to incur one from someone else.

            Especially don’t offer advice or feedback or suggestions with the expectation of unconditional acceptance of what you have given, a lack of argument, doing what you’ve suggested, or even courtesy, especially if this feedback was not asked for—but even if it was. Whatever you’ve given feedback on—life, work, relationships, challenges—it’s theirs. They have to live and deal with the results of anything they choose to do with it—not you. (In the case of their behavior that affects you and how they treat you, please see the ‘Special circumstances’ section below.)

            You need to give not in order to gain acceptance, social standing, or an image of being generous and kind. You need to give not in order to prop up your self-esteem or ego, or because you want to ‘fix’ people or situations to be the way you think they should be. If you have hurt someone or made a mistake, do not give for the sole purpose of getting off the hook with them. No matter how generous you think you are being, you are giving in order to get something from them, and this is not an honest or up-front way to assert what you want, nor earn it.

            “A great way to keep you out of trouble is to ensure that you don’t give or help with an agenda. Whatever you do, do so because it reflects who you are, not because you’re trying to generate an IOU.            Ask the question: If the outcome/reward that I’m predicting didn’t materialise, would I still want to be or do whatever I’m intending?            If the answer is no or a whole load of shoulds pop up such as, ‘Well if it were me, I would show my appreciation by….’ or ‘Well, surely they couldn’t expect that I would do that without me expecting….’ or assumptions like, ‘They obviously realise that in me doing this, this means that we’re back together / they understood my position…”, halt. If you’re motivated to do what you’re intending because you hope that by doing this and being ‘pleasing’ that you will be able to control that person’s feelings and behaviour, freeze. Back up. In fact, reverse, sit yourself down and plant your mind and feet firmly in reality.” —Natalie, ‘How to know when to say no,’ Baggage Reclaim

            “If you wouldn’t give the help if you didn’t think that you would get the perceived / expected reward for it, don’t do it. Don’t.” —Natalie, ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ Baggage Reclaim

            Basically: give without expectation of receiving anything, even positive regard or attention. If you need these things, there are other ways to meet those needs on your own.

            Only give when you can give without expectations, when you know that the recipient could chuck your gift in the trash and you would not feel personally harmed. This is for your peace of mind as well as theirs, so that no matter what happens after you give, you won’t experience painful disappointment or personal rejection.

            Which leads to the next, extremely important element:

4. Consent: Asking & allowing ‘no’

            This is a vital thing to develop and practice throughout your life. Make peace with hearing it—and do this in your mind before you even involve someone else.

            Imagine giving something you want to give to someone, and imagine them saying no. Do you feel upset? Do you feel slighted? Do you feel they are being ungrateful, or in some way harming or depriving you by telling you no?

            ‘No’ is a valid response. If you get upset when someone tells you ‘no,’ then it isn’t really about their needs, it’s about your wants.

            Create space as early as possible in the giving process for the recipient to say ‘no.’ When you give anything—advice, feedback, a compliment, a gift, words of comfort, a story from your life—be kind and ask first. Whether or not you remember to ask, accept it if they say ‘no.’ Allow them to say ‘no’ however they need to say it. And allow them to say ‘no’ at any point in the process, even after they have said yes.

            It’s okay if you feel hurt when someone says ‘no’ to you. It is not okay to retaliate, to push or pressure them to change their ‘no,’ or tell them they have hurt you by telling you ‘no.’

            “They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).
            Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)
            Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).
            Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)
            If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong.
            No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal.” —Real Social Skills, ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical’

            Differentiate between someone saying ‘no’ to something you are offering and saying ‘no’ to you. Do not take ‘no’ to what you are trying to give personally.

            If you are hurt by hearing ‘no,’ deal with that on your own. I suggest having a conversation with yourself about why it hurt, and being prepared to examine your own motivations, and why you were so attached to (or expecting) ‘yes.’

            Making peace with ‘no’ is challenging, but it can make life so much easier. It makes it easier to tolerate failure and rejection, which makes it easier to go after what you want, and easier to learn from and amend mistakes. It makes it easier to say ‘yes’ to you, and ‘yes’ to what you want, and trust that those around you are really saying ‘yes’ to the real you, as well.

5. Giving wisely

            “Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get.” —Albert, from ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            Give what the other person has expressed a need or desire for and not just what you want to give or think they need. Give where it has been asked, or where you have asked.

            If you have no need of some thing anymore, many charities take in-kind donations. If you want to give it to a friend, ask first if they would like it, and accept ‘no’ as a valid response.

            When you see someone in need and want to help, ask what they need, don’t assume. This does not obligate you to give them what they ask for, but further discussion may turn up something they need that you can give them.

            Be humble and be curious, and most of all be respectful. Some people do not want help, and that is valid. No one is obligated to accept help from you or trust that your motivations are good, no matter how much work you have done to examine them for yourself.

            If you think a person is so bad off that they would/should accept any help they can get, stop. It is one thing to pity the misfortunes of another; it is another to believe you are or have the answer to their problems. It’s unlikely you know what they need or want unless you ask, or unless there is some inherent asking already there. If someone is waiting in like at a soup kitchen, and you’re passing out food, that’s a no-brainer. Also if you are writing and advice column or blog (or book), others are free to take or leave whatever they want from what you’ve given.

            If an artist shows you his work, that does not imply them asking you for anything. Don’t assume, ask what he wants. If he wants feedback, I also recommend asking what kind. Be prepared for him to tell you no after you give it, or even be angry. Having an opinion does not make you special, or right.

            If a friend tells you of a problem they are having, that does not imply they are expecting you to tell them what to do or do something to fix it without checking with them first, especially if it involves going to a third party and sharing what this friend has told you without their knowledge or consent. Ask what your friend wants—someone to just listen, validation, feedback, assistance. Be prepared for your friend to tell you ‘no’ at any point, and do not push. Your friend knows a great deal more about what’s bothering them and what they need than you do, no matter how well you know them.

            GIVE:

            Be Gentle.

            Be Interested.

            Validate the other person’s feelings.

            Use an Easy manner.

Special circumstances: feedback to protect yourself

            Unsolicited advice and feedback is criticism. You are telling someone what to do, standing in judgment over this person and their behavior.

            This is sometimes necessary for your self-protection and self-respect, in order to set and enforce boundaries—both in any kind of relationships and with invasive strangers or dangerous people. Your judgment, and your voice, are important in defending yourself and taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of someone else’s feelings when you are setting and enforcing boundaries.

            This is different than the sort of giving and feedback discussed above. When you do this it is about your needs, and needs to be so. There are times when it is necessary to give someone feedback they do not want or ask for, to take care of yourself and let others know your feelings and your needs.

            Also, don’t be shy about ‘giving’ your ‘no.’ Don’t say ‘yes’ to please others, or because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, or because they are rejecting your ‘no.’ Say ‘no’ when you want to say ‘no,’ and keep on saying it as many times as you need.

Sources and further reading:

            • ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing,’ by Diana Wynne Jones

            • ‘If it were me, I’d…’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • For a more detailed elaboration of ‘loan sharking’: ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker

            • ‘How to know when to say no,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical,’ Real Social Skills

            • ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            • Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Interpersonal Effectiveness Module: DEAR MAN GIVE FAST from DBT Self-Help

            • ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,’ by Manuel J. Smith

Encouragement and Criticism

Why is criticism a dangerous habit?

“Perfection is the enemy of done.” —Andrea Scher

            Criticism has many pitfalls. What we do to others, we do to ourselves, and vice versa. Criticism encourages judgment, shame, inflexibility, externalization or projecting, persistent negativity, perfectionism, lack of distinction between opinion and objective reality, and intolerance of discomfort or imperfections.

            Whatever you feed will grow. The more we criticize, and the more mindlessly we indulge this very human propensity, the more it becomes a default way of interacting with and viewing other people and the world. It is hard, if not impossible, to have a positive life experience with a negative outlook.

         This is not to say that setting boundaries and expressing dislike or dissatisfaction are not important. I will address how to assertively set boundaries at another time, and speak on the gift and importance of anger. Speaking up is important, particularly if you have otherwise been silenced.
         I want to add to our natural skills for criticism and judgment, to give us the option of cultivating encouragement of what is creative and additive in ourselves and one another. It is important to own our own point of view, and to have the capacity to focus on encouraging what we enjoy and want to increase.

               Any time we provide feedback with the goal of getting someone to better meet our needs, rather than being responsive to theirs, it’s unlikely to prompt the desired outcome.
             …The second mistake we make in giving feedback is failing to hold the other person’s value in the process. Even the most well-intentioned criticism will, more often than not, prompt us to feel our value is at risk, and under attack.
               The third mistake we make is to assume that we’re right about whatever it is we’re inclined to say. Like lawyers, we take a series of facts and weave them together into a story that supports and justifies the case we’re seeking to make.
             The problem is that our stories aren’t necessarily true. They’re simply one interpretation of the facts. It makes much more sense to think about offering feedback in a spirit of humble exploration rather than declaration, dialogue rather than monologue, curiosity rather than certainty. Humility is the recognition that we don’t know, even when we think we know. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand.”
           Ultimately, we’d be better off eliminating concepts like “feedback” and “constructive criticism” from our lexicons altogether. They’re polarizing, and mostly destructive. We need to think of these interchanges instead as opportunities for honest inquiry and genuine learning.
            “Here’s the story I’m telling myself about what just happened,” we might say. “Have I got that right, or am I missing something?” —Tony Schwartz, ‘There'sNo Such Thing as Constructive Criticism’

            There is nothing more off-putting than having someone, even someone you love, continually telling you that you should be handling things or doing things differently.

       Do your loved ones one more favor. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. “Should” almost always comes with an undertone of criticism, and since it usually references a situation that has passed and cannot be changed, the word does nothing but breed resentment. 

           Trust that people will ask for advice when they need it. Ask them if they’d like a thought when you feel you need to step in, and always allow them the courtesy of saying no. —‘Unsolicited Advice is Criticism in Disguise’

            The Writing Monster should be flexible, able to handle the editing of any kind of writing, whether it’s a little blog post, a speech, a short story or a screenplay.

              It should also expose people to new ideas and new ways of looking at writing, and inspire us to rip the pages out of stupid pretentious books. 

             And it should expose us to different types of writers and editors, not just fellow writers who have the same exact skills and writerly prejudices.” —Guy Bergstrom, ‘Why Critique Groups MUST DIE’

Why cultivate encouragement?

            “The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny.” —Brenda Ueland

            Encouragement leads to openness, flexibility, curiosity, surprise, collaboration, connection, invention, imagination, creativity, diversity, discovery, exploration, acceptance, imperfections, mistakes, successes, comedy, happy accidents, serendipity, appreciation.

            Rufolf Dreikurs state that all maladaptive behaviors primarily result from discouragement, and Wexberg (1969) stated that education for the most part consists of encouragement. Presuming that these statements are valid, we can conclude that there is no more important task than to be a model of encouragement and teach others the techniques of encouragement. —Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

            Some imperfection is not bad. You don’t need to be ashamed. It’s a way to stay in touch with reality and with all the imperfections, like me.
            A little imperfection is good. You need a little imperfection to be perfect enough. This way, your feet stay firmly planted to the ground, and you can allow others to be as they are—imperfect like you.
            A little imperfection makes life easier, and helps all of us to forge ahead. Don’t be sad that you are not perfect. This way you stay connected to all imperfect people—with you and with me.
            A little imperfection allows yourself to be who you are, spontaneous and creative. You will not need to hide, you will make mistakes, and you will demonstrate that you are an imperfect human, just like me.
            I hope that one day you will meet a partner who is imperfect like you—and that both of you can find it amusing, so that you can love and not only admire him. —source unknown

            I think the dilemma exists because art, among all the other tidy categories, most closely resembles what it is like to be human. To be alive. It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense.
             Art is all just perfectly imperfect.
          Once the word Art enters the description of what you’re up to, it is almost like getting a hall pass from perfection. It thankfully releases us from any expectation of perfection.
            In relation to my own work not being perfect, I just always point to the tattered box behind the couch and mention the word Art, and people seem to understand and let you off the hook about being perfect and go back to their business. —Nicholas Wilton 

Six ways to encourage

1. “I really loved what you were trying to do.”

            Here’s how Jim Henson encouraged:

            Most of us think that we need negative feedback to know what to do better next time. But as [Dave] Goelz said, [Jim] Henson himself used to delight in the positive aspects of his work to make the next one better. He didn’t need shame, and he didn’t give it to others. When he met Caroll Spinney for the first time, Spinney had just bombed on stage at a puppetry festival. Goelz recalled: “Jim said, “I really loved what you were trying to do.” And he was absolutely sincere about it.”
           Henson appreciated Spinneys performance on the level of concept, even if the execution was terrible. An artist has his own internal judge of quality, and it’s not necessary, Henson knew, to point out his mistakes to him.
            This  radical abstention from criticism can be seen as weak. Duncan Kenworthy explained: “He would never ever say, and this was actually to a fault, if he didn’t like something, if he thought something hadn’t been done well, he would never ever say that, and he’d say, “Hey, I wonder if we just should try…” and somehow he would turn the corner and it would be a positive. “Let’s try it a different way.” He would never say, “God, that doesn’t work.””
            …Perhaps a better way to improve is to stop criticizing ourselves and simply appreciate what is good about our work, so that the next take will be better. As an artist, it is essential to first treat one’s own talent humanely. From there, it is easy to treat others this same way. —Elizabeth Hyde Stevens, ‘Make Art Make Money’

            Wil Wheaton once said, “We applaud the wrong things.” When we successfully achieve something, we already feel the positive reinforcement of that success. When we most need encouragement is when we are struggling, and most especially, when we have experienced failure and our feelings of worth and agency may be low. While you can’t always appreciate the results, appreciating and reinforcing the effort made is vital to making the effort again.

2. Appreciate and Receive Appreciation

            The effect of praise and applause is temporary. The following may be a familiar experience—you were successful one evening and received either recognition or applause, but by the time you went to bed that night, or at the latest at breakfast the next morning, you began to doubt your own worth again.
            The desire to be successful, to be the best, to be the most beautiful, to deliver perfect and praiseworthy accomplishments, leaves us susceptible to criticism. The acknowledgement of others becomes the measure of our own worth.
            …Praise can also turn into pressure because the next time, less laudatory performance is not acceptable.
            …Others rebel against praise because they sense in it either the superiority of the person doing the praising or the pressure to have to live according to the expectations of others. —Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

3. Affirmation and Noticing

            In InterPlay practice, there are two skills we use to give words of encouragement to one another, by describing (using ‘I’ statements or just descriptive words) our own positive reactions to what we liked about another’s performance:

            Affirmation: to seek out, notice, and name the good in others and the world.
            Noticing: the ability to perceive and reflect on our experience. —Cynthia Winton-Henry with Phil Porter, ‘What the Body Wants’

            We’re encouraged to notice what we had in our own bodies, in our own emotions, what we experienced, as we were watching whatever performance just took place. This can be applied not just to performance art but anything we are evaluating, and it’s even more important as a place to start if we’re looking to suggest areas of improvement.

4. Direct and Indirect Encouragement

            A direct encouragement would be, for example, if I recognized your initial attempts as valid and supported them with an enthusiastic “Yes.” …I could also say, “Yes, it seems logical to me to do it this way,” or “This was a great idea on your part.” I could also smile while watching you or express my support of your effort by winking at you. That would also be a direct encouragement because it is an action on my part that directly focuses on your activity. I could also indicate a thumbs-up or other signal of agreement or approval.
            An indirect encouragement provides the proper emotional atmosphere in which human beings can flourish. You will feel this atmosphere particularly when you meet people who possess inner peace, who believe that they are okay the way they are, and with whom you have the feeling that you may be just as you are; they are patient, and they are interested in you. Such people convey that they trust that you can manage the tasks you may encounter. They do not talk much about these matters, they do not have unreasonable expectations, and they do not overemphasize the importance of mistakes.
—Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

5. Cultivate the Qualities that Encourage Encouragement

         Here are the 10 most important desirable qualities for an encouraging and encouraged person:
            • Interest in others
            • Attentive listening
            • Enthusiasm
            • Patience
            • A friendly look
            • A friendly voice
            • Recognizing what is good
            • Acknowledging attempts and progress made
            • Being responsible for one’s self
            • Creating approximate physical proximity
—Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

6. Find What Works and Practice, Practice, Practice

            Self-encouragement and encouraging others lead to one another. If it’s too challenging now to encourage yourself, find others you can encourage; and vice versa. Practicing skills and habits of encouragement will build them.

            Be gentle with yourself if it doesn’t always have the desired result. The goal is more to practice the skill than elicit a particular response. Appreciate your effort—every failure is another opportunity to practice encouragement with yourself.