Ways to Have & Savor Experience

When I am alone, I have and savor easily what is good.

This was not natural for me. In the past I noticed I needed validation from others that what I liked was liked by them as well. I would have ‘guilty pleasures,’ things that I liked in spite of the derisions of those around me. Lady Gaga’s music springs to mind. (I had the kind of friends who would dislike things solely based on their popularity, and I have my own theories as to that.)

Going alone on vacation was the most empowering feeling in the universe for me. I traveled with no masks, no limitations, nothing I couldn’t just unload and rewrite. Every moment, without discussion, without even conscious thought, I could choose what I would do, how I would respond.

I crave this.

InterPlay was the first time I was invited to ‘have’ something ‘for myself.’ After doing something alone, like a solo dance, the leader said, “Now take a moment and have that for yourself.”

Writing about this, how important a tool it was for me to learn, I’m reminded of what my therapist said about savoring. I worried after a wonderful trip to Walk Disney World that thinking about it too much I’d lose the good feelings about it. I tended to think a lot about challenges and terrible experiences to try to make sense of them, a defense tactic to detach from them as an observer. I shared with my therapist my concerns that thinking about good experiences would distance me from the good feelings of them. She validated this fear, and encouraged me to savor.

I figured out how to use classical conditioning on myself. Everyone’s had the experience of a certain smell evoking a memory, or a song coming on and reminding us of a person with whom we used to hear that song.

When I would sit down to remember experiences in Disney World, I would deliberately listen to music played in the background of the parks. I could have also used an object that reminded me of the time. I chose music because it’s proved to be a strong and reliable trigger for me. I would set aside private time, put on the music, close my eyes, and remember all the details—or perhaps look at my pictures, if I was having trouble remembering. Now all I have to do is hear one of those songs I used and the memories and their feelings come back to me.

Savor the way a child would. Savor like there is nothing in the world but you and what you’re enjoying—like a child eating chocolate ice cream where the world shrinks to the feelings and tastes in your mouth, the cold curve of the spoon, the melting sweetness, the shiver of gooseflesh on your arms as the chill of it hits you. There are worlds of details and sensations in every pleasurable moment that can stretch like taffy as you pay attention to them in order to keep those treasures alive and return to them when you need a good memory and feeling. Savor right after you’ve had the experience, while it’s fresh and you have your pick of sensations and details, and then come back later and savor more. The more you do it, the stronger the memory, the easier it will be to savor again, even amidst the noise and haste.

You know how you savor best. All these words are just here as signposts pointing the way for those who may have lost having and savoring along the way, or who want to learn new ways of doing it on purpose.

One last thing. You may have gotten stuck under the idea of having or savoring something for yourself as selfish. I did! Here are some thoughts to challenge that sticky, heavy idea:

• Until you have something, you cannot share it with others.
• Apply your own oxygen mask before assisting with others.
• The more you have, the more you have to share.

Encouragement and Criticism

Why is criticism a dangerous habit?

“Perfection is the enemy of done.” —Andrea Scher

            Criticism has many pitfalls. What we do to others, we do to ourselves, and vice versa. Criticism encourages judgment, shame, inflexibility, externalization or projecting, persistent negativity, perfectionism, lack of distinction between opinion and objective reality, and intolerance of discomfort or imperfections.

            Whatever you feed will grow. The more we criticize, and the more mindlessly we indulge this very human propensity, the more it becomes a default way of interacting with and viewing other people and the world. It is hard, if not impossible, to have a positive life experience with a negative outlook.

         This is not to say that setting boundaries and expressing dislike or dissatisfaction are not important. I will address how to assertively set boundaries at another time, and speak on the gift and importance of anger. Speaking up is important, particularly if you have otherwise been silenced.
         I want to add to our natural skills for criticism and judgment, to give us the option of cultivating encouragement of what is creative and additive in ourselves and one another. It is important to own our own point of view, and to have the capacity to focus on encouraging what we enjoy and want to increase.

               Any time we provide feedback with the goal of getting someone to better meet our needs, rather than being responsive to theirs, it’s unlikely to prompt the desired outcome.
             …The second mistake we make in giving feedback is failing to hold the other person’s value in the process. Even the most well-intentioned criticism will, more often than not, prompt us to feel our value is at risk, and under attack.
               The third mistake we make is to assume that we’re right about whatever it is we’re inclined to say. Like lawyers, we take a series of facts and weave them together into a story that supports and justifies the case we’re seeking to make.
             The problem is that our stories aren’t necessarily true. They’re simply one interpretation of the facts. It makes much more sense to think about offering feedback in a spirit of humble exploration rather than declaration, dialogue rather than monologue, curiosity rather than certainty. Humility is the recognition that we don’t know, even when we think we know. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand.”
           Ultimately, we’d be better off eliminating concepts like “feedback” and “constructive criticism” from our lexicons altogether. They’re polarizing, and mostly destructive. We need to think of these interchanges instead as opportunities for honest inquiry and genuine learning.
            “Here’s the story I’m telling myself about what just happened,” we might say. “Have I got that right, or am I missing something?” —Tony Schwartz, ‘There'sNo Such Thing as Constructive Criticism’

            There is nothing more off-putting than having someone, even someone you love, continually telling you that you should be handling things or doing things differently.

       Do your loved ones one more favor. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. “Should” almost always comes with an undertone of criticism, and since it usually references a situation that has passed and cannot be changed, the word does nothing but breed resentment. 

           Trust that people will ask for advice when they need it. Ask them if they’d like a thought when you feel you need to step in, and always allow them the courtesy of saying no. —‘Unsolicited Advice is Criticism in Disguise’

            The Writing Monster should be flexible, able to handle the editing of any kind of writing, whether it’s a little blog post, a speech, a short story or a screenplay.

              It should also expose people to new ideas and new ways of looking at writing, and inspire us to rip the pages out of stupid pretentious books. 

             And it should expose us to different types of writers and editors, not just fellow writers who have the same exact skills and writerly prejudices.” —Guy Bergstrom, ‘Why Critique Groups MUST DIE’

Why cultivate encouragement?

            “The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny.” —Brenda Ueland

            Encouragement leads to openness, flexibility, curiosity, surprise, collaboration, connection, invention, imagination, creativity, diversity, discovery, exploration, acceptance, imperfections, mistakes, successes, comedy, happy accidents, serendipity, appreciation.

            Rufolf Dreikurs state that all maladaptive behaviors primarily result from discouragement, and Wexberg (1969) stated that education for the most part consists of encouragement. Presuming that these statements are valid, we can conclude that there is no more important task than to be a model of encouragement and teach others the techniques of encouragement. —Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

            Some imperfection is not bad. You don’t need to be ashamed. It’s a way to stay in touch with reality and with all the imperfections, like me.
            A little imperfection is good. You need a little imperfection to be perfect enough. This way, your feet stay firmly planted to the ground, and you can allow others to be as they are—imperfect like you.
            A little imperfection makes life easier, and helps all of us to forge ahead. Don’t be sad that you are not perfect. This way you stay connected to all imperfect people—with you and with me.
            A little imperfection allows yourself to be who you are, spontaneous and creative. You will not need to hide, you will make mistakes, and you will demonstrate that you are an imperfect human, just like me.
            I hope that one day you will meet a partner who is imperfect like you—and that both of you can find it amusing, so that you can love and not only admire him. —source unknown

            I think the dilemma exists because art, among all the other tidy categories, most closely resembles what it is like to be human. To be alive. It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense.
             Art is all just perfectly imperfect.
          Once the word Art enters the description of what you’re up to, it is almost like getting a hall pass from perfection. It thankfully releases us from any expectation of perfection.
            In relation to my own work not being perfect, I just always point to the tattered box behind the couch and mention the word Art, and people seem to understand and let you off the hook about being perfect and go back to their business. —Nicholas Wilton 

Six ways to encourage

1. “I really loved what you were trying to do.”

            Here’s how Jim Henson encouraged:

            Most of us think that we need negative feedback to know what to do better next time. But as [Dave] Goelz said, [Jim] Henson himself used to delight in the positive aspects of his work to make the next one better. He didn’t need shame, and he didn’t give it to others. When he met Caroll Spinney for the first time, Spinney had just bombed on stage at a puppetry festival. Goelz recalled: “Jim said, “I really loved what you were trying to do.” And he was absolutely sincere about it.”
           Henson appreciated Spinneys performance on the level of concept, even if the execution was terrible. An artist has his own internal judge of quality, and it’s not necessary, Henson knew, to point out his mistakes to him.
            This  radical abstention from criticism can be seen as weak. Duncan Kenworthy explained: “He would never ever say, and this was actually to a fault, if he didn’t like something, if he thought something hadn’t been done well, he would never ever say that, and he’d say, “Hey, I wonder if we just should try…” and somehow he would turn the corner and it would be a positive. “Let’s try it a different way.” He would never say, “God, that doesn’t work.””
            …Perhaps a better way to improve is to stop criticizing ourselves and simply appreciate what is good about our work, so that the next take will be better. As an artist, it is essential to first treat one’s own talent humanely. From there, it is easy to treat others this same way. —Elizabeth Hyde Stevens, ‘Make Art Make Money’

            Wil Wheaton once said, “We applaud the wrong things.” When we successfully achieve something, we already feel the positive reinforcement of that success. When we most need encouragement is when we are struggling, and most especially, when we have experienced failure and our feelings of worth and agency may be low. While you can’t always appreciate the results, appreciating and reinforcing the effort made is vital to making the effort again.

2. Appreciate and Receive Appreciation

            The effect of praise and applause is temporary. The following may be a familiar experience—you were successful one evening and received either recognition or applause, but by the time you went to bed that night, or at the latest at breakfast the next morning, you began to doubt your own worth again.
            The desire to be successful, to be the best, to be the most beautiful, to deliver perfect and praiseworthy accomplishments, leaves us susceptible to criticism. The acknowledgement of others becomes the measure of our own worth.
            …Praise can also turn into pressure because the next time, less laudatory performance is not acceptable.
            …Others rebel against praise because they sense in it either the superiority of the person doing the praising or the pressure to have to live according to the expectations of others. —Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

3. Affirmation and Noticing

            In InterPlay practice, there are two skills we use to give words of encouragement to one another, by describing (using ‘I’ statements or just descriptive words) our own positive reactions to what we liked about another’s performance:

            Affirmation: to seek out, notice, and name the good in others and the world.
            Noticing: the ability to perceive and reflect on our experience. —Cynthia Winton-Henry with Phil Porter, ‘What the Body Wants’

            We’re encouraged to notice what we had in our own bodies, in our own emotions, what we experienced, as we were watching whatever performance just took place. This can be applied not just to performance art but anything we are evaluating, and it’s even more important as a place to start if we’re looking to suggest areas of improvement.

4. Direct and Indirect Encouragement

            A direct encouragement would be, for example, if I recognized your initial attempts as valid and supported them with an enthusiastic “Yes.” …I could also say, “Yes, it seems logical to me to do it this way,” or “This was a great idea on your part.” I could also smile while watching you or express my support of your effort by winking at you. That would also be a direct encouragement because it is an action on my part that directly focuses on your activity. I could also indicate a thumbs-up or other signal of agreement or approval.
            An indirect encouragement provides the proper emotional atmosphere in which human beings can flourish. You will feel this atmosphere particularly when you meet people who possess inner peace, who believe that they are okay the way they are, and with whom you have the feeling that you may be just as you are; they are patient, and they are interested in you. Such people convey that they trust that you can manage the tasks you may encounter. They do not talk much about these matters, they do not have unreasonable expectations, and they do not overemphasize the importance of mistakes.
—Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

5. Cultivate the Qualities that Encourage Encouragement

         Here are the 10 most important desirable qualities for an encouraging and encouraged person:
            • Interest in others
            • Attentive listening
            • Enthusiasm
            • Patience
            • A friendly look
            • A friendly voice
            • Recognizing what is good
            • Acknowledging attempts and progress made
            • Being responsible for one’s self
            • Creating approximate physical proximity
—Theo Shoenaker, ‘Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen’

6. Find What Works and Practice, Practice, Practice

            Self-encouragement and encouraging others lead to one another. If it’s too challenging now to encourage yourself, find others you can encourage; and vice versa. Practicing skills and habits of encouragement will build them.

            Be gentle with yourself if it doesn’t always have the desired result. The goal is more to practice the skill than elicit a particular response. Appreciate your effort—every failure is another opportunity to practice encouragement with yourself.