How to Give

            “Generosity is not giving what’s easy; generosity is giving what’s hard.” —Diana Wynne Jones’s grandmother, as quoted in ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing’

            Giving, generosity, sharing one’s fortunes with those less fortunate are noble intentions. Yet often, without mindfulness of a few key elements, giving can hurt others. Giving can become about the unconscious (or sometimes conscious) agenda of the giver, rather than the needs of the recipient. This is especially common when giving advice, suggestions, and feedback. It is crucial to have care and be mindful of the points below in those situations.

            Here are five key things to keep in mind, to reduce potential harm and promote healthier giving.

1. Self-care

            Know yourself.

            Know your limits—don’t give what you haven’t got to spare, be it time, money, energy, attention, or anything else. Don’t say ‘yes’ when you need to say ‘no.’ This is a fast track to burnout and resentment. Take care of yourself first or you will not be helpful to others. As they say on airplanes: Put on your oxygen mask before helping others.

            Know your motivations. Don’t nail yourself to a cross. When you give, give mindfully and without expectation—two elements explored in depth below.

2. Humility

            Give humbly. If you think you know what’s best for someone else, better than themselves, HALT. Stop immediately. You are not the judge of what is right for anyone except yourself. Stop placing your expectations and judgments on others. You are hurting people if you carry this assumption, and you are hurting yourself and your chances for mutuality in friendships and relationships.

            No two people are alike in resources, limitations, goals, challenges, needs, feelings, beliefs, and so forth.

            “You’re not interacting with clones of yourself. The only person who truly thinks and acts like you is you. You don’t really need the person if all you’re going to do is project onto them who you think they should be. You have to take the time to get to know people as they are and see them for who they are, not as extensions of you. If you don’t, you’ll become complacent and you’ll make dangerous assumptions.” —Natalie, ‘If it were me, I’d…’ Baggage Reclaim

3. No expectations

            There are a lot of expectations that get attached to giving, especially in friendships. Don’t loan shark—don’t give ‘freely’ and then later expect a return on the favor, or a free pass on some behavior that the other person doesn’t like. Don’t treat friendship like an accounting ledger that you are in charge of maintaining. It’s important to have balance and mutuality in friendships, but equally important not to have unvoiced expectations, or give out of a sense of obligation or a desire to incur one from someone else.

            Especially don’t offer advice or feedback or suggestions with the expectation of unconditional acceptance of what you have given, a lack of argument, doing what you’ve suggested, or even courtesy, especially if this feedback was not asked for—but even if it was. Whatever you’ve given feedback on—life, work, relationships, challenges—it’s theirs. They have to live and deal with the results of anything they choose to do with it—not you. (In the case of their behavior that affects you and how they treat you, please see the ‘Special circumstances’ section below.)

            You need to give not in order to gain acceptance, social standing, or an image of being generous and kind. You need to give not in order to prop up your self-esteem or ego, or because you want to ‘fix’ people or situations to be the way you think they should be. If you have hurt someone or made a mistake, do not give for the sole purpose of getting off the hook with them. No matter how generous you think you are being, you are giving in order to get something from them, and this is not an honest or up-front way to assert what you want, nor earn it.

            “A great way to keep you out of trouble is to ensure that you don’t give or help with an agenda. Whatever you do, do so because it reflects who you are, not because you’re trying to generate an IOU.            Ask the question: If the outcome/reward that I’m predicting didn’t materialise, would I still want to be or do whatever I’m intending?            If the answer is no or a whole load of shoulds pop up such as, ‘Well if it were me, I would show my appreciation by….’ or ‘Well, surely they couldn’t expect that I would do that without me expecting….’ or assumptions like, ‘They obviously realise that in me doing this, this means that we’re back together / they understood my position…”, halt. If you’re motivated to do what you’re intending because you hope that by doing this and being ‘pleasing’ that you will be able to control that person’s feelings and behaviour, freeze. Back up. In fact, reverse, sit yourself down and plant your mind and feet firmly in reality.” —Natalie, ‘How to know when to say no,’ Baggage Reclaim

            “If you wouldn’t give the help if you didn’t think that you would get the perceived / expected reward for it, don’t do it. Don’t.” —Natalie, ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ Baggage Reclaim

            Basically: give without expectation of receiving anything, even positive regard or attention. If you need these things, there are other ways to meet those needs on your own.

            Only give when you can give without expectations, when you know that the recipient could chuck your gift in the trash and you would not feel personally harmed. This is for your peace of mind as well as theirs, so that no matter what happens after you give, you won’t experience painful disappointment or personal rejection.

            Which leads to the next, extremely important element:

4. Consent: Asking & allowing ‘no’

            This is a vital thing to develop and practice throughout your life. Make peace with hearing it—and do this in your mind before you even involve someone else.

            Imagine giving something you want to give to someone, and imagine them saying no. Do you feel upset? Do you feel slighted? Do you feel they are being ungrateful, or in some way harming or depriving you by telling you no?

            ‘No’ is a valid response. If you get upset when someone tells you ‘no,’ then it isn’t really about their needs, it’s about your wants.

            Create space as early as possible in the giving process for the recipient to say ‘no.’ When you give anything—advice, feedback, a compliment, a gift, words of comfort, a story from your life—be kind and ask first. Whether or not you remember to ask, accept it if they say ‘no.’ Allow them to say ‘no’ however they need to say it. And allow them to say ‘no’ at any point in the process, even after they have said yes.

            It’s okay if you feel hurt when someone says ‘no’ to you. It is not okay to retaliate, to push or pressure them to change their ‘no,’ or tell them they have hurt you by telling you ‘no.’

            “They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).
            Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)
            Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).
            Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)
            If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong.
            No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal.” —Real Social Skills, ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical’

            Differentiate between someone saying ‘no’ to something you are offering and saying ‘no’ to you. Do not take ‘no’ to what you are trying to give personally.

            If you are hurt by hearing ‘no,’ deal with that on your own. I suggest having a conversation with yourself about why it hurt, and being prepared to examine your own motivations, and why you were so attached to (or expecting) ‘yes.’

            Making peace with ‘no’ is challenging, but it can make life so much easier. It makes it easier to tolerate failure and rejection, which makes it easier to go after what you want, and easier to learn from and amend mistakes. It makes it easier to say ‘yes’ to you, and ‘yes’ to what you want, and trust that those around you are really saying ‘yes’ to the real you, as well.

5. Giving wisely

            “Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get.” —Albert, from ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            Give what the other person has expressed a need or desire for and not just what you want to give or think they need. Give where it has been asked, or where you have asked.

            If you have no need of some thing anymore, many charities take in-kind donations. If you want to give it to a friend, ask first if they would like it, and accept ‘no’ as a valid response.

            When you see someone in need and want to help, ask what they need, don’t assume. This does not obligate you to give them what they ask for, but further discussion may turn up something they need that you can give them.

            Be humble and be curious, and most of all be respectful. Some people do not want help, and that is valid. No one is obligated to accept help from you or trust that your motivations are good, no matter how much work you have done to examine them for yourself.

            If you think a person is so bad off that they would/should accept any help they can get, stop. It is one thing to pity the misfortunes of another; it is another to believe you are or have the answer to their problems. It’s unlikely you know what they need or want unless you ask, or unless there is some inherent asking already there. If someone is waiting in like at a soup kitchen, and you’re passing out food, that’s a no-brainer. Also if you are writing and advice column or blog (or book), others are free to take or leave whatever they want from what you’ve given.

            If an artist shows you his work, that does not imply them asking you for anything. Don’t assume, ask what he wants. If he wants feedback, I also recommend asking what kind. Be prepared for him to tell you no after you give it, or even be angry. Having an opinion does not make you special, or right.

            If a friend tells you of a problem they are having, that does not imply they are expecting you to tell them what to do or do something to fix it without checking with them first, especially if it involves going to a third party and sharing what this friend has told you without their knowledge or consent. Ask what your friend wants—someone to just listen, validation, feedback, assistance. Be prepared for your friend to tell you ‘no’ at any point, and do not push. Your friend knows a great deal more about what’s bothering them and what they need than you do, no matter how well you know them.

            GIVE:

            Be Gentle.

            Be Interested.

            Validate the other person’s feelings.

            Use an Easy manner.

Special circumstances: feedback to protect yourself

            Unsolicited advice and feedback is criticism. You are telling someone what to do, standing in judgment over this person and their behavior.

            This is sometimes necessary for your self-protection and self-respect, in order to set and enforce boundaries—both in any kind of relationships and with invasive strangers or dangerous people. Your judgment, and your voice, are important in defending yourself and taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of someone else’s feelings when you are setting and enforcing boundaries.

            This is different than the sort of giving and feedback discussed above. When you do this it is about your needs, and needs to be so. There are times when it is necessary to give someone feedback they do not want or ask for, to take care of yourself and let others know your feelings and your needs.

            Also, don’t be shy about ‘giving’ your ‘no.’ Don’t say ‘yes’ to please others, or because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, or because they are rejecting your ‘no.’ Say ‘no’ when you want to say ‘no,’ and keep on saying it as many times as you need.

Sources and further reading:

            • ‘Reflections on the Magic of Writing,’ by Diana Wynne Jones

            • ‘If it were me, I’d…’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • For a more detailed elaboration of ‘loan sharking’: ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker

            • ‘How to know when to say no,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘If you feel bad after you help it probably wasn’t helping,’ by Natalie of ‘Baggage Reclaim’

            • ‘When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical,’ Real Social Skills

            • ‘Hogfather’ by Terry Pratchett

            • Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Interpersonal Effectiveness Module: DEAR MAN GIVE FAST from DBT Self-Help

            • ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,’ by Manuel J. Smith