Why Validate?: Using Validation to
Strengthen Emotion Regulation
‘Emotional wisdom,’ knowing when to
be changed by emotion and when to change emotion, requires blending the ability
to experience and express emotion (accept emotion) and the ability to actively
regulate emotion (change emotion). (Koerner,
2011; Lee Greenberg, 2002, p. xvi)
“When you talk to people who get it,
it makes it a lot easier to realize that what you are experiencing is real.”
—realsocialskills.tumblr.com
“Being alone is not only the absence of people, but the absence of
understanding.” —Clara, 17, as quoted in ‘Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman’
What to Validate
- Problem importance
- Task difficulty
- Emotional pain or sense of being out of control is inevitable
- Wisdom in ultimate goals, even if not in means currently being used
- Location perspective
- Rely on reflective listening and verify what you are hearing.
- Be cautious of using comparisons, especially with others but even with yourself. Experiences, emotions, resources, abilities and circumstances vary widely, as well as ultimate goals and aims, and what will be effective.
- Focus on emotions and needs more than details, speculations, judgments, or interpretations.
- Focus on the person being validated, not on others.
How to Validate: Six Levels of
Validation
Validate at the highest possible
level with yourself and with others. Remember that actions speak louder than
words; there are a lot of noverbal ways to convey validation with facial
expression, posture, tone of voice, touches, gestures.
Practice is the key to making
validation a natural part of the way you communicate.
- Level 1: Being Present. Be One Mindful. Give all your attention to the person you are validating. Use gentle returns.
- Level 2: Accurate Reflection. Use active listening; restate/summarize what you have heard. Observe and describe non-judgmentally.
- Level 3: Tune in and Guess. Guess what the other person might be feeling or thinking, from verbal information and nonverbal cues. Accept corrections.
- Level 4: Put it in Context. Understand behavior and reactions in terms of both history and current situation. Restate past and connect it to current issue.
- Level 5: Normalizing. Express that the emotions are normal for anyone in that situation.
- Level 6: Radical Genuineness. Demonstrate understanding the emotion on a very deep level, sharing that experience as equals. Express your truth. Focus on shared emotions more than details or similarities; gently return your focus to the current situation and emotions of whom you are validating.
Sources/further reading:
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